Listen, and understand! She’s out there! Suzanne Vega doesn’t feel pain. She can’t be bargained with. She can’t be reasoned with. She doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until I’m dead!

That’s right. She’s back with another act of musical devastation. Last time, I barely got out alive but managed to foil her plan for world domination. I thought that we were safe. I was wrong.

Here’s how it all happened:

I was again minding business listening to the radio when the Susanne Vega song “Luka” started playing. With what happened last time, I was obviously concerned. But nothing evil transpired…at first. A few hours later, I caught myself humming “Luka.” Then I thought, “She can’t be that bad a lady. She wrote a song calling attention to the terrible problem of domestic and child abuse.” That’s when she had me.

Suddenly, I lost all control of my body. The “Luka” lyrics that were in my head changed. I walked like a zombie until I came to a tall building. The song told me to take the stairs to the second floor. Then, I started singing the alternate “Luka” lyrics.

My name is Toddie
I’m jumping from the second floor
If I’m upstairs from you
You may see me fly by your door
If the impact gives you a fright
Don’t you worry cause it’s alright
Just leave me bleeding on the floor
Just leave me bleeding on the floor
Just leave me bleeding on the floor

I stepped to the ledge and was about to jump when I heard singing from behind me…

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you’ve been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand

I awoke from my stupor and turned around. The lead singer from the late ‘90s post-grunge rock group Third Eye Blind, was standing there beckoning me off the ledge. I was saved by another shitty song calling attention to a terrible social issue, this time “Jumper” which deals with teen suicide. Naturally, I had some questions. The story gets a little confusing what with the space-time paradox thing, but stick with me here.

Me: Third Eye Blind Guy? What are you doing here?

SJ: Yes. It is I, Stephan Jenkins. I was sent here from the future to stop the evil Suzanne Vega. You must live to keep blogging about new good music. In the future, Music or Space Shuttle? has successfully rid the world of shitty music. Suzanne Vega and musicians like her have been banished. They play music for no one. She and Michael Bolton started a rebellion and have been sending subliminal messages hidden in her music to destroy you.

Me: Cooooool. Hey, wait. Why are you here? Third Eye Blind sucks too.

SJ: Yes, but unlike Suzanne Vega, we know that we suck. That’s what gives us our power.  I volunteered to come here and save you from her madness. I also wanted to apologize for our songs ever getting stuck in your head.

Me: You are forgiven. Boy, you guys really sucked.

At that moment, I heard a tremendous screeching voice. “You must jump from the second floor!!!!” It was Susanne Vega. But not the version I remembered from the past. She had lost all of her pixie-like good looks from the ‘80s, and now resembled some sort of she-beast. “Die Blogger!!!” she screamed, as she picked up her guitar and started playing a mash-up of “Luka” and “Tom’s Diner.”

The maniacal medley compelled me to jump. I had one foot over the ledge when Third Eye Blind Guy overpowered her with his own song “Semi-Charmed Life.” That distortion filled suckfest of a song was too much for Suzanne Vega.

I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
Baby, baby
I want something else
I’m not listening when you say
Goodbye…

Her head exploded as the vocals during the line “Goodbye…” hit their high pitched peak.

Me: Wow. That was crazy! Thanks Third Eye Blind Guy.

SJ: Yeah, my name is Stephan Jenkins. No problem. I have to leave now. Your MoSS? brother is in danger. Michael Bolton has disguised himself as Robert Smith from The Cure in a dastardly plot to dispose of Chris.

Me: That devious bastard! Go Third Eye Blind Guy. Go save my friend.

SJ: My name is Stephan Jenkins.

Me: Yeah, Whatever.

That is exactly how it all went down. Not a word a lie.