Feb 8 2012

I have pretend girlfriends, and they are hot

sleigh bellsI’d like to apologize for omitting “Comeback Kid” by Sleigh Bells from the February 2012 Music or Space Shuttle? mix tape (which is still fucking awesome; listen to the whole 10-song extravaganza at bit.ly/AqO7Ou).

Here’s the thing: it was a calculated move. I didn’t want the song to dwarf the other nine inclusions on the mix tape; I wanted to devote an entire post to singing its praises…or more specifically, praising the video.

Alexis Krauss staring at me with her big-saucer eyes! Those shorts! Those jeans! (Even if they were stolen from Joe Elliott’s 1988 wardrobe!) The right amount of leg visible under that bathrobe! Those cheerleading moves! That spiky jacket! Alternating between her cool sunglasses and those sexy eyes! That longing look as the song reaches its conclusion! Did I mention those shorts?! That lucky deck chair!

Madeline Follin[Madeline Follin of Cults enters the room]

Madeline: What the heck is going on here?

Chris: Oh, hi, Madeline Follin, my rock ‘n’ roll girlfriend.

Madeline: Why is Alexis Krauss on your computer screen?

Chris: Um, I was just mentioning to the adoring Music or Space Shuttle? readership that I think this video is kinda sorta cool. I mean, it’s no “Abducted,” but it’s not bad—

Madeline: What’s so great about this video?

Chris: Derek Miller’s In Utero shirt is pretty cool. That mustard toss was pretty epic. His John Bender-esque fist pump at the end is pretty awesome.

Madeline (frowning): You’re dumping me, aren’t you?

Chris: Um, well, yes.

Madeline: Go outside.

Chris: [sigh] Great tune.

Madeline: No, get the fuck out of here.

Chris: Oh.

And so another rock ‘n’ roll relationship ends. Madeline Follin, who last summer stood just a couple feet away from me as she performed before a rapturous crowd in St. Louis, finds herself kicked to the curb in favor of another raven-haired vixen. Madeline’s got company; I’ve loved me some rock women over the years. Some have been mega-popular; some are girl-next-door types. For example…

Donna A (Brett Anderson)Donna A of the Donnas

When was this?: early 2000s

Initial appeal?: liked the Ramones-style songs in the beginning; liked her look around Get Skintight

Real encounters?: Well, sorta. When they played Gabe’s in Iowa City in 2002 or something like that, my buddy Sam and I were hanging out in back during the opener, having a brew, when Donna R (Sam’s obsession) and Donna F came by and started playing Trivia Whiz. Sam kept yelling out the answers, which may or may not have annoyed the two Donnas. So Sam did the chivalrous thing and gave them $2 worth of quarters; that way he could keep yelling out answers/flirting with Donna R with a clean conscience. At some point in this display of cerebral excellence, Donna A and Donna C came by. I went to say “hi” to Donna A and managed to get out “Durrr-ahhhh-hey!” It was magical.

How did it end?: Once the Donnas became less like the Ramones and more like butt-rock, I was done with Donna.

Janet WeissJanet Weiss of Sleater-Kinney/Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks

When was this?: mid- to late 1990s

Initial appeal?: She reminded me of Maura Tierney (what? I liked NewsRadio…)

Real encounters?: None…I never saw Sleater-Kinney live, nor did I see Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks during her tenure as timekeeper. I did have some college classes with a girl who looked a lot like Janet Weiss and played the drums. She was kinda cool. (And of course I was petrified to have anything to do with her other than bum smokes from her after class now and again.)

How did it end?: That girl from Portlandia seemed jealous.

D'Arcy WretzkyD’Arcy Wretzky of the Smashing Pumpkins

When was this?: early- to mid-1990s

Initial appeal?: A blonde, too-cool-for-school girl who was a member of one of my greatest musical obsessions…yeah, this was a no-brainer.

Real encounters?: Not really. Saw them twice in 1994; got close to the stage the first time. I remember one of my friends throwing a hotel-sized bar of soap at D’Arcy. His intent was that she would catch it/pick it up and use it as a pick, but realized the millisecond after it left his hand that she might take it as a statement of insult regarding her body odor. (No, I haven’t had a real encounter, but wanted to share the soap story.)

How did it end?: The Pumpkins started to suck after (during?) Mellon Collie, and perhaps I foresaw this image.

Gloria EstefanGloria Estefan

When was this?: mid- to late 1980s

Initial appeal?: What, you haven’t seen the video for “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You”?

Real encounters?: I was, like, 12—that would have been awkward. And I didn’t really want to have to meet the Miami Sound Machine.

How did it end?: As it turned out, the rhythm did not get me. (And I started listening to heavy metal, and, aside from an obligatory liking for Lita Ford and the ladies of Vixen, became asexual for a while.)

Madonna in the early daysMadonna

When was this?: mid 1980s

Initial appeal?: the song “Burning Up”; the videos for “Borderline” and “Lucky Star”

Real encounters?: Back then I think I saw many a teenage girl trying to look like her (and failing miserably). I also lived vicariously through that boy in the “Open Your Heart” video—does that count?

How did it end?: Who says it did? She still looks great.

If you have any quirky rock ‘n’ roll loves, tell me all about them in the comments. (Ladies, feel free to chime in, too. Perhaps you can ask my better half about her Jimi Westbrook thing.)

Feb 7 2012

MoSS? Monthly Mixtape: February

Todd’s February Picks                                                         Chris’ February Picks

Field Mouse “You Guys are Gonna Wake Up my Mom”                A Place to Bury Strangers “So Far Away”

Bear in Heaven “The Reflection of You”                                   Yuna “Live Your Life”

Beach Fossils “Shallow”                                                          OOoOO “No Way Back”

Frankie Rose “Night Swim”                                                     Princeton “A Remembrance of Things to Come”

Tennis “Origins”                                                                    Hospitality “Betty Wang”

Feb 5 2012

Welcome to the Super Bowl Tiquan Underwood. Oh wait…

Imagine working your whole life for one goal, a Super Bowl Championship. You train everyday. Fight through injuries. Earn a scholarship to Rutgers. Get drafted into the NFL. Have the luck to be on a team on the verge of the Super Bowl. Then on the day before the big game you get cut.

That’s what happened to Tiquan Underwood, defensive lineman for the New England Patriots.  Bill Belichick cut him on the Saturday before the Super Bowl. Burn. He didn’t do anything wrong either(other than sport this horrible Kid n Play looking haircut). Belichick is just going with another lineman.  Who is that other lineman? Underwood’s former Rutgers teammate Alex Silvestro. Double burn.

Now if this had happened to me, I would spend the morning leading up to the Super Bowl preparing for an all out homicidal rampage. I wouldn’t stop until I had Belichick’s stupid fucking half sleeve hoodie inserted into his anus. Underwood handled things a little more gracefully. He sent several tweets out yesterday praising the Patriots organization and wishing everyone luck.

Apparently, it’s not the first time Underwood has been cut by the Pats. This would make it 3 times. This season! I know you have to make tough decisions as an NFL coach but this move seems extra douchey. Even for super douche Bill Belichick.  I had no real interest in who won the game but now I am hoping the Giants beat the Patriots so badly that Bill Belichick collapses into the fetal position and has to be carted off the field.  Go Giants!

Feb 1 2012

Memories of… “Boom! Shake the Room”

Few things can trigger a long lost memory like music. It can happen anywhere.  For me it usually happens in the car. The other day, I was driving to work and flipping channels on the satellite radio. I stopped on the Old School Hip Hop channel. They were playing a horrible song from the 90’s, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s “Boom! Shake The Room”.

I was immediately taken back to December 17th, 1997.  I was living in Ames, Iowa and was taking my wife (then girlfriend) Jess to her first Prince concert. We were pumped up for days leading up to the show.  To make things more exciting we heard a rumor that Prince was hosting an after party at a local bar. Being huge Prince fans we were beside ourselves that we may have an opportunity to see The Purple One up close and personal. We decided to play it by ear and hope the rumors were true.

The concert was awesome. We had decent seats and he played mostly hits (there are a lot) and didn’t play too many songs from the new record at the time Emancipation. I even bought this  super cool hockey jersey featuring the logo of Prince’s band The New Power Generation. By the 2nd encore we had pretty much given up on any sort of post show party and were both ready to head home. That’s when I spotted a guy handing out flyers  advertising an after concert party for some charity I don’t remember.  Prince was actually going to be there!  Now I know you’re asking yourself , “Where in Ames, Iowa was Prince going to host a party?”  Well Ames’ premier cowboy bar, Hunky Dory’s, of course. That’s right, Hunky Dory’s.

We hurried over to Hunky’s as fast as possible. Most of the trip I had my head out the side window because the windshield was frosted over from the December cold. When we got there the line wasn’t too long so we got in early enough to grab some booze and score a table near the roped off VIP section. Then we waited. And waited. And waited…

We amused ourselves by watching the people on the dance floor.  This was a cowboy bar remember so the DJ had a very limited hip hop or dance music collection. The crowd reaction to these random outdated dance songs was entertaining to say the least.

Finally, Prince arrived looking almost exactly like he did in this picture. Security took him immediately over to the VIP section which was about 20 feet from us. I couldn’t believe it.  Jess and I had been so excited about getting to the party that we didn’t really discuss what we would do when Prince actually showed up.  This is the point in the story where my wife and I disagree about the evening’s finer details. She claims that I hid behind a nearby popcorn machine upon Prince’s arrival because I was scared. My claim is that I didn’t want to be a Prince Fan Boy and rush up to stare at him like all the girls. From the best of my recollection this was our exchange:

Jess: Well? Are we going over?

A Star Struck Me: Uhhhh…

Jess: Really? Fuck you, I’m going over there.

A Deflated Me: Wuh?

So she went by herself. I watched her walk over (looking extra cute in MY newly purchased super sweet NPG hockey jersey) and somehow made her way to the front of the pack of adoring women. She was less than a foot away from my music idol. Prince ignored the hoard of other girls, looked right down at her and smiled. I was so proud. Prince thinks my girlfriend is hot!  My pride quickly turned to panic as I remembered Prince’s taste in women was exactly like mine.

Prince’s appetite for hot brunettes is well documented.  Apollonia, Vanity, Mayte, Sheila E and Carmen Electra have all been linked to the Purple One. The only aberration I’ve ever heard about was blonde bombshell Kim Basinger. They met during the filming of Tim Burton’s first Batman movie for which Prince provided the soundtrack. He pulled the cool musician move where you bring the hot movie starlet into the studio and let her make an album with you.  They recorded The Scandalous Sex Suite EP  together and she promptly moved  into his Paisley Park mansion/studio.

If you believe the Prince folklore, she stayed there as girlfriend/prisoner for a few months until she could take the weirdness no longer. She left in the dead of night leaving behind her dignity and her BMW.

Well, I wasn’t going to stand for that shit. My future bride would not be joining that long list of discarded brunettes. To quote The Joker from the previously mentioned Batman movie “Never rub another man’s rhubarb!”  I stood up about to take action when DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince’s song “Boom! Shake the Room” came over the sound system. A look of disgust washed over Prince’s face. Honestly, he looked like he had just stepped in dog shit. He quickly had a lackey take a stack of CDs to the DJ and ordered him to play music from that stack only. With his attention pulled away from Jess, Prince moved on to more pressing business. Like ignoring everyone in the bar.

So thank you DJ Jazzy Jeff. Thank you Will Smith.  Prince’s distaste for your awful song saved my future marriage.

Jan 31 2012

Crystal Castles’ upcoming album: Eponymous? (Probably.) Awesome? (Probably.)

The other day, the heir to the throne (who turns 6 very soon, gotsta get some Phineas & Ferb swag for the DS, yo!) asked me about my favorite songs of all time. Yep, Junior threw down the impossible question for music nerds. I can handle favorite groups/artists (Cure, Beatles, Nirvana, Portishead, and Duran Duran, for starters). I might be able to rattle off my favorite albums, at least #1-4 with confidence (Disintegration, Loveless, Revolver, and The Velvet Underground & Nico).

But songs? To quote Clay Davis from The Wire, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

Can’t do it, G. “A Day in the Life” is probably #1, if you stick a gun in my face. “Plainsong” by the Cure is my favorite song of theirs, so I’m sure that’s up there. “The Rain Song” by Zeppelin is one of those songs I love. “Time Has Told Me” and “Pink Moon” by Nick Drake. “Three Days” by Jane’s Addiction. “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division. “Scentless Apprentice” by Nirvana. “Enjoy the Silence” by Depeche Mode. “Welcome to the Terrordome” by Public Enemy. “Natural’s Not in It” by Gang of Four. And about 3,534 more contenders I might list. And then you want me to prioritize them?

So I went with the redirection strategy. “I dunno. What are your favorite songs?”

Ethan Kath and Alice Glass of Crystal Castles stand in an alleyWithout blinking an eye, Will came up with his top three.

“‘Beep Beep’ is #1.” (Read: “Celestica” by Crystal Castles. He’s referencing the occasional electronic “beep-beep” noise throughout the song.)

“‘Bathtism’ is #2.” (Read: “Baptism” by Crystal Castles. And no, it’s not a speech impediment. He thought it was some sort of washing affliction, I guess.)

“And then #3 would be that Radio Dept. song.” (Read: some song by The Radio Dept. [shrug])

I admire my son’s definitive opinion, and it’s obvious my influence has rubbed off on the boy. Crystal Castles’ 2010 eponymous collection was my favorite album that year; and my son’s “favorite song of all time” is arguably my favorite song from that year. (I would argue that “Bathtism/Baptism” is the third best song on that album, behind the Robert Smith-vocalized “Not in Love.”)

So you can imagine our collective excitement when I read today that the Canadian duo will land in Croatia to record album #3 in short order, with an eye for a summer release. In the wake of such euphoria, I was left to ask myself some questions…

Chris: What should they name this album?

Chris: Duh. The only acceptable title other than Crystal Castles is Self-titled.

Chris: Why do I think Alice Glass is hot?

Chris: The same reason people think Alison Mosshart or Karen O is hot: the music blinds their vision while amplifying their sense of hearing. And all you hear is passionate vocals, either delivered in reserved/heartbreaking tones (“Celestica,” “Suffocation,” “Tell Me What to Swallow”) or piercing screams (“Baptism,” “Alice Practice,” “xxzxcuzx me”) or, um, I dunno (“Crimewave,” “Untrust Us”) and you just find yourself having these primal reactions to the words, to the voice. And Alice is petite, brunette, dresses in black…that kind of works for me.

(As shallow as this sounds, I feel obligated to point out that Romy from the xx still doesn’t do it for me, even with that voice.)

Chris: Why does Music or Space Shuttle? scribe Todd not like Crystal Castles?

Chris: I don’t know! I always assumed this would be right up his alley, what with his love for Neon Indian and M83. No, they’re not the same, but similar enough in certain elements (the first album plays more like Neon Indian; some of the grandeur of the second album seems a bit M83ish). You can ask Todd yourself by sending him an email at toddisdumb@chrisrules.com (please use the Subject Line “Chris is so cool; what’s your deal?” to ensure a prompt response).

Chris: Why do I like them so much?

Chris: Listen to the lush opening chords of “Celestica.” Listen to the aggression in “Baptism.” Listen to the swell of the music as Robert Smith approaches the chorus of “Not in Love.” Listen to the abrupt synth mashup following each verse of “Pap Smear.” Listen to the sampling of Sigur Ros on “Year of Silence.” Listen to the disturbing, quiet cry for help in “Tell Me What to Swallow.” Listen to the confident groove throughout “Vanished” and “Crimewave.” Listen to the quirky Donkey Kong sample in “Air War.” Listen to the soaring synth against the restrained vocals in “Suffocation.” All of these moments are like fucking dopamine for my ears. That last sentence is the most efficient way for me to state my feelings toward this music.

Chris: Any chance this album won’t disappoint, given my love for the first two albums?

Chris: Sure, there are some reasons to be worried. After two albums, I thought Bloc Party was one of the greatest bands of the 21st century (although unlike Crystal Castles, I thought BP’s second album was a lateral move rather than a step forward). Then they put out Intimacy. [shudder] And you’ll never hear me defend the Crystal Castles live sound, at least based on the recordings I’ve heard (never seen ’em live).

But this is a band that recognized that the 8-bit sound that infiltrated much of its debut couldn’t dominate album #2, so they evolved. Ethan Kath seems to have the perfect muse in Alice Glass. The lone bum song on the second album (a cover song, so it was the lone song Kath didn’t write) was later elevated to untouchable status by collaborating with Robert Smith on a new version, which shows they are shrewd and credible. And they’re traveling to Croatia to record this new album, so I’m guessing they’ll be focused. (Not sure what I mean by that…)

And don’t forget: this band wrote and recorded the world’s greatest song ever (according to my son). They’ve probably got another good song or two…or 12…or 16…

I can’t wait to find out. Until then, we’ll always have “Beep Beep.”

Jan 31 2012

Desert Island Music Poll: Bon Iver Vs. Arcade Fire

Here at Music or Space Shuttle? we feel like we should be asking the tough, hard-hitting questions. This week we continue our series of polls where we force you, the thoughtful reader, to choose between two random artists. You may not always like either selection but you have to pick one. (None of that “I’d rather stuff my head in the sand until I suffocate and die” third option crap.)

With the 2012 Grammys coming up, it seems like the perfect time to put  Bon Iver up against Arcade Fire.  In 2011 indie rock band Arcade Fire shocked the world when their record The Suburbs won the Grammy for Album of the Year.  Their win was so surprising that award presenter Babs Streisand didn’t  know if the band’s name was The Suburbs or Arcade Fire. This year, indie rock darlings Bon Iver have been nominated for both Record and Song of the Year Grammys.

It has been said (by me) that a win in a MoSS? poll can often prove to be a very good Grammy predictor. Could a win for Bon Iver in the prestigious MoSS? Desert Island Music Poll  be a precursor to winning a Grammy?  Only you the voters can decide.

So what will you decide? Listen to Arcade Fire’s Funeral and Neon Bible or Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever ago  and Bon Iver  for the rest of your days?  Vote below and please feel free to justify your selection in the comments section.

Jan 29 2012

Hart, Hagar cited in late-hour car crash

[Editor’s note: I’ve been under the weather lately, so I thought I would repurpose a music-related humor piece I wrote during my early days as a blogger.]

LOS ANGELES—Pop vocalists Corey Hart and Sammy Hagar received citations for their roles in a head-on collision on Interstate 5 early this morning.

corey hart and sammy hagar wearing sunglasses, sorta looking cool

Corey Hart (left) and Sammy Hagar

According to reports filed by officers of the California Highway Patrol (aka CHiPs), Hart was traveling northbound in the southbound lanes of the multilane highway around 1:30 a.m. Officers observed that Hart seemed to be in full control of all of his faculties, and no drugs or alcohol were found in his 1992 Ford Taurus or on his person.

He was, however, wearing sunglasses, which officers believe was a contributing factor in the crash.

Oncoming drivers avoided Hart for nearly a mile, according to witness statements. However, Hart’s luck ran out when Hagar came roaring down the freeway in his 1989 Pontiac Grand Prix at speeds well over 55 miles per hour.

“Hart’s nighttime use of dark lenses coupled with Hagar’s inability to operate a motor vehicle at reasonable speeds, that’s a bad mix,” said CHP spokesman Randy Baddington. “Kinda like a mixtape featuring Corey Hart and Sammy Hagar is a bad idea.”

Hart and Hagar collided, but miraculously neither rocker suffered serious injury. Hagar was cited for refusing to drive 55, despite his insistence that he is simply incapable of doing such; Hart was nabbed for wearing his sunglasses at night.

“Hart was a little surprised to receive a ticket—he went as far as to ask if I was kidding,” said CHP officer Sean Tavin. “I reassured him that I knew better than to masquerade with the guy in shades.”

Jan 26 2012

And the Academy Award goes to… Jonah Hill?

Jonah Hill received a surprise Academy Award nomination this week for his supporting role in Moneyball.   Not bad for his first attempt at a dramatic role. I really liked Moneyball and thought Jonah was great in it, but he’s had way better roles in the past that I feel deserve recognition.

Schrader from Accepted

Jonah had a lot of great lines in the movie Accepted, but my favorite is “I hope you guys have Hobo Stab Insurance.”(Go to the 45 second mark on the Accepted movie trailer) The use of the word hobo kills me. Before the movie no one had regularly used the word hobo since the 1940’s and even then it was usually in reference to the obligatory hobo Halloween costume. Since the movie I use the term almost daily. “I would kill a hobo for a piece of pizza” is thrown around a lot in my house. The idea of  “stab insurance” is funny in itself.  I might get stabbed but I’m covered, I have insurance. I wonder if you get that through Aflac or Geico? I hear Geico has the better Hobo Stab Insurance premiums.

Confused We Sell Your Crap On Ebay Store Shopper

In The 40 Year Old Virgin, Jonah shows up in the We Sell Your Crap On Ebay Store. He can’t seem to grasp the idea of a store where you can go inside, browse through merchandise, but can’t actually purchase anything unless you go home and bid on it. Now that I think about it, I’m a bit confused too. I also love the item he wants to buy.  Go-Go boots with gold fish in the heel. Not just for fun but to actually take home and wear.

Seth from Superbad

My favorite comedy of all time. Jonah was great throughout as the wisecracking high school kid Seth. Whether he is forecasting his future porn tastes or making fun of nerdy friend McLovin, his scenes are comedic home runs. My favorite scene by far is The Dick Treasure Chest. Seth admits a deep dark secret to his best friend. Apparently, he used to sit around all day and compulsively draw pictures of dicks. That’s right, Man Dick. It’s OK though, something like 8% of kids does it. So, nothing to worry about.

Congratulations to  Jonah for being nominated for such a high profile acting award. I just hope he doesn’t go the route of other some other comedic actors and do only dramatic roles from now on. Robin Williams won his Oscar and all we saw from him afterwards was crap like Patch Adams and Jakob the Liar.

Stay true to your comedic roots Jonah and we the fans will always ask you about your weiner.

Jan 24 2012

Bon Jovi + Bon Iver = Bon Joviver

Mainly unknown weird guy rock band, Miracles of Modern Science, released a video this week that finally answers the question on all music lover’s minds. What would you get if you took 80’s hair band Bon Jovi,  2011 indie rock darlings Bon Iver, and mixed them together into some sort of cross generational pop music stew?  To get the answer the MoMS gang take  Bon Jovi’s  “You Give Love a Bad Name” and sing it in the Bon Iver higher than high register. Then they deliver it to us in an overly dramatic Bon Iver-esque music video.

For those of you that haven’t heard of Bon Iver, the video for their song  “Calgary” is below.

For those of you that have lived in a cave for the last 25 years, here is the video for Bon Jovi’s  “You Give Love a Bad Name”.

And finally, the Bon Joviver stew.

Jan 23 2012

If Ian Curtis could hang himself again, he would

The better half is busting my balls to go to Disney World sometime soon, before our son loses interest in such festive fun. The boy already listens to Crystal Castles and Sigur Ros, so a typical childhood may not be in the cards, at least from an entertainment perspective. (Plus, in my opinion, Disney World is nothing more than an overhyped Adventureland, amiright?)

20120123-212632.jpgApparently the Rodent knows that my son’s musical leanings mirror mine, so he rolled out this gem of a T-shirt: the Waves Mickey Mouse, inspired by the cover of the Joy Division album Unknown Pleasures.

I was making a mix the other day, one that incorporated “Love Will Tear Us Apart,” and I said to myself, “What would be the perfect transition song from Joy Division? A song that will continue the melancholy of Ian Curtis?” Naturally I landed on “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah,” so this shirt design makes perfect fucking sense.

Unless the next episode of Playhouse Disney involves Daisy carving the lyrics from “Atmosphere” into her torso or Goofy dangling broken-necked from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse rafters, I’m calling hipster-baiting capitalist-greed bullshit on the Mouse. What’s next, a re-creation of Jane’s Addiction’s Ritual de lo Habitual cover with Mickey, Minnie, and Clarabelle lying naked and intertwined?

Bad form, Mouse. You’ve only strengthened my resolve to avoid your brand of theme-park fun!

(If you’re an asshole and want to buy this shirt, visit the Disney site.)