Tag Archives: road trip

Oct 30 2013

Road Trip Revelations

sign 4My job sometimes requires me to spend a lot of my day in the car. I don’t mind too much. It gives me time to think, reflect on my life and most importantly listen to great music. On these trips I sit back, relax and turn up the tunes. After many hours alone in the car though, I tend to have quite a few random and moronic thoughts. These are just a few of the revelations I came away with on the road.

This is your brain on Sirius Radio.

I’ve written many times on this blog about my love of satellite radio. As mentioned above, I drive a lot so many days the only thing holding me back from full on road rage is the wide range of content available to me on my Sirius Stiletto. I’ve always considered it a wonderful perk to have in my work car and it wasn’t until recently that I realized my total dependence on it.

cheeseOver the years my satellite system has been very durable and I’ve had very few problems with it. All was good until a few days ago when I got into my car for a rousing 4 hour drive through the cheese fields of Wisconsin. That’s a little known fact right there. In Wisconsin, cheese is grown in fields. As you drive through certain parts of the state you’ll see vast landscapes of sharp cheddar, pepper jack and smoked gouda all growing in curd, block, and wheel form. Children try to catch summer sausage and bratwurst in rivers of nacho cheese warmed to a perfect fondue serving temperature by natural hot springs. It’s all very impressive. So is the smell. Wow! The whole state smells like a foot.

Anyway, when I turned on my radio the other day, the display read “No Antenna Detected.” I immediately got out of the car to check on the magnetic antenna stuck to the roof. When I pried the magnet free, the wire that ran into the car broke right off. Panic swept through my body. I was faced with the daunting task of a long drive with no satellite radio. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oldies, not so oldies, sports, news, sports news, Howard Stern, Playboy radio! All that beautiful content was gone. What was I supposed to do? Listen to (shudder) regular radio? 4 hours of switching from one awful station to the next? Suffering through 10 minutes of commercials for every 5 minutes of content? Not this guy.

bingoAt that point I felt like I only had 3 options:

  1. Make the drive with no radio. Sing show tunes and play car bingo with myself.
  1. Set the car on fire and tell the office I couldn’t make the drive due to major, and I mean major, car trouble.
  1. Go to the nearest truck stop and offer a handy to any trucker that would give up his satellite radio antenna.

 It didn’t take long for me to choose the obvious way out of this mess.

As I was pulling into the truck stop, the panic started to wear off. I thought to myself, “Hey you don’t have to do this. You have a job that pays you money. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. You can buy a new antenna. Or better yet, check your garage. You’ve had several satellite radios over the years. Maybe you have a spare stashed away in there.”

As luck would have it, I did have an old antenna hidden away in the back of my garage. Crisis averted. Did I learn anything from this experience? Yes I did.

  1. Always have an alternate form of audio entertainment in the event that radio quits working. I’ve since burned several CDRs full of music and stored them in my glove box for just such an emergency.
  1. Stay calm and use your head. Don’t make any rash decisions when faced with an obstacle.
  1. Truckers do not like it when you renege on a deal. Especially when it involves a handy.

Walt Disney will break your kneecaps.

Mad_Mickey_Mouse_by_sasori_my_manA week or so ago, I was on one of my road trips and my wife called me. Apparently, we received 3 letters from our internet provider threatening evil things like jail time and monetary fines because we “allegedly” downloaded some copyrighted material. She read me the file names and I had no clue what they were talking about. Based on the titles they almost sounded like some Z grade porno titles. Then I started thinking about it…I asked her to check those file names with some song titles of a rather famous Radio Disney star. Bingo. They matched up. How did they get on my computer?…

My daughter has recently become more and more interested in music. Not a surprise growing up in our house. While she is still forced to listen to my music a lot, she has developed her own musical tastes. Right now, as with most pre-tweens in this country, she is into any singer that has a hit on Radio Disney. A station that mostly plays artists that appear on Disney Channel shows or are connected to Disney in some way. A few weeks ago she heard a song by one of the artists in the Disney stable and asked me to download the album. Of course I wanted to make my daughter happy so I looked the album up on iTunes. They wanted $12.99 for it! Now that’s a lot to pay for something she’ll like for 2 months and forget about. So I “allegedly” did what all desperate music lovers do at times like these and found a delightfully free torrent for said album. My daughter was ecstatic and “allegedly” I was too having saved some scratch.

Now, if I did commit this heinous act of terrorism, it would have definitely been the one and only time ever. I’ve never scoured the internet for free torrents of tracks, albums or full artist discographies before. Every song in my library was paid for with hard earned money. Money earned with sweat, grit and good old fashioned American work ethic. So I will ask the jury to go easy on this “alleged” 1st time offender. Isn’t a child’s musical happiness more important than lining the pockets of a bloated billion dollar corporation that pimps out the pre-pubescent bodies and voices of 15 year old singers? I rest my case.

It takes every kinda people

 As always on my road trips there comes to a point were I require a jolt of energy that only some loud thunderous rock music can deliver. Today was no different. I switched the station from Howard Stern to what I thought was Hair Nation. I must have mixed up my presets because the ‘70s channel came up instead. I was about to change the station when quite possibly the most pleasant song ever recorded hit my ears. It was Robert Palmer’s “Every Kinda People.” The funky bass line, steel drums and silky vocals of Mr. Palmer took over my body. Suddenly, I was grooving along to the music and weaving from lane to lane while going 85 down the interstate.

A wave of absolute Palmer induced peace washed over me as I rocketed across the countryside. That’s a totally different feeling than the ones I had as a boy watching videos for other more well known Robert Palmer hits  like “Simply Irresistible” and “Addicted to Love.”

Well today I road those pleasant Palmer vibes all the way home.

All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Plenty of tunes.  Plenty of lawsuits. If you see me cruising down the interstate sometime, go ahead and wave. If I’m not busy stealing music, I might wave back .

If you enjoyed these moronic thoughts, there’s plenty more where those came from. Check out some of my previous “Road Trip” posts.

Jun 6 2013

Road Trip Revelations

My job sometimes requires me to spend a lot of my day in the car. I don’t mind too much. It gives me time to think, reflect on my life and most importantly listen to great music. On these trips I sit back, relax and turn up the tunes. After many hours alone in the car though, I tend to have quite a few random and moronic thoughts. These are just a few of the revelations I came away with on the road.

SpongeBob SquarePants has invaded my soul

SpongeBobThe Aussie electro-pop duo, Empire of the Sun, have a new album out and I’ve really been enjoying the first single “Alive.”  It’s a catchy little song that keeps the toes tapping during a long drive. Although, there was always something about the song that bothered me a bit. Today I figured it out… SpongeBob SquarePants. Skip to the 39 second mark of  “Alive” and tell me you don’t hear a resemblance to the SpongeBob theme song. More specifically, the part where kids chant the name SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!! Ever since I realized the similarities, I’ve not been able to listen to the song without replacing the actual lyrics with SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!! It’s both maddening and comical all at the same time. Take a listen for yourself and see if you hear it too. Maybe just I’m crazy. Well, crazier than normal.

Many of today’s male musicians annoy me (Or: Many of today’s male musicians make me jealous and I’d like to punch them in the face only after watching them play a three hour live show consisting of all my favorite songs, shaking their hand backstage and maybe hanging out for a bit talking about cool stuff)

slashWhatever happened to vapid, ugly dudes making music? Remember Slash? Dude was put on this earth to do one thing, play the guitar like a god. He wasn’t pretty. He didn’t really have much to say other than “where’s my Jack Daniels and cocaine?” He didn’t appear to be a particularly hygienic fellow. But Slash could play that fucking guitar. That’s where the sex appeal was. In the talent. I was never really that jealous of Slash. Sure I wanted to play guitar like him. And I don’t begrudge him the throngs of women that flocked backstage to do unimaginable things to his nether regions. That’s the rock and roll life style baby. I’d be kind of pissed at him if he or any other dude in that position didn’t partake in all those feminine delights.  But times have changed. There’s a new generation of guys that seem to have it all.

EzraTake Ezra Koenig from Vampire Weekend for example. He’s a talented musician of course. Sings well. Plays multiple instruments proficiently…bla bla bla. There’s a ton of those guys out there. What bothers me about Ezra is the way he does it. He somehow writes rock songs that are incredibly intelligent lyrically, frequently comical and always catchy as hell. A smart rock star…OK that’s fine I guess. But then add to that the guy’s annoying good looks and style.  He looks like a damn fashion model when he’s on stage. I’ve never seen him wear anything without wanting something similar for my wardrobe. And don’t get me started on that mop of hair on his head. Makes a bald guy like me very angry. He should be punched. You can’t have it all Ezra!

Another guy that annoys me is Justin Timberlake. That wasn’t always the case. When I first became aware of him, he was just some goofy looking kid making awful boy-band music. And his style? Forget about it. Remember these pictures?

Wow. That's just bad.

Wow. That’s just bad.

jessica-biel

Wow. That’s not bad.

Then he started making his own music and shock of all shocks…it wasn’t that bad. Suddenly, he’s in movies (Social Network was the shit), hosted Saturday Night Live five times and married Jessica Biel. Jessica Freaking Biel dammit! Come on! And I actually look forward to his appearances on SNL. Some of the best shows in the last 10 years were shows he’s hosted. Now he’s back  making music and his latest album, The 20/20 Experience, is really good. What a slap in the face. He should be punched. You cant have it all Justin!

It’s alright guys. I love to hate you. Just watch your backs after any upcoming concerts close to my hometown.

Autograph knows the appropriate time to rock

Then, as usual, towards the end of my day I was in dire need of some serious adrenaline filled hair metal. I switched the old satellite radio over to Hair Nation.  Earlier in the day, I was thinking to myself that I was working pretty hard lately and maybe needed some “Me” time. Apparently, the band Autograph agreed with me. They told me so in the first verse of their song “Turn Up the Radio.”

I’m working hard, you’re working too
We do it every day
For every minute I have to work
I need a minute of play

Then I wondered, “Yes, but when is it appropriate to abandon responsibilities and rock out?” They answered that question with the next verse.

Day in, day out, all week long
Things go better with rock
The only time I turn it down
Is when I’m sleepin it off

Gotcha. Anytime’s good. Then I questioned, “But how can I accomplish this state of rock and roll bliss?” All was answered in the song’s chorus.

Turn up the radio
I need the music, gimmie some more
Turn up the radio
I wanna feel it, got to gimmie some more

Of course, I turned my radio up for a moment of pure metal enjoyment. Check out the YouTube clip below and do the same.

All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Plenty of tunes.  Plenty of annoying dude musicians. If you see me cruising down the interstate sometime, go ahead and wave. If I’m not busy turning up my radio, I might wave back .

If you enjoyed these moronic thoughts, there’s plenty more where those came from. Check out some of my previous “Road Trip” posts.

May 2 2013

Road Trip Revelations

My job sometimes requires me to spend a lot of my day in the car. I don’t mind too much. It gives me time to think, reflect on my life and most importantly listen to great music. On these trips I sit back, relax and turn up the tunes. After many hours alone in the car though, I tend to have quite a few random and moronic thoughts. These are just a few of the revelations I came away with on the road.

We’ll break these chains of love…together

In previous road trip posts, I’ve discussed my car singing bashfulness. Normally, if another vehicle pulls up beside me and I’m wailing along to a good tune on the radio, I clam up until said vehicle passes me by. I could be in full on Mick Jagger, lip pucker, finger waving, front man mode and stop right in the middle until that car passes.

Well that didn’t happen today. Today I was in a synth pop trance singing along to…Erasure. Yes Erasure. Their song “Chains of Love” was on the ‘80s station and I was hooked in hard. Here is the video for the song.

I was doing my best falsetto filled Andy Bell imitation when unbeknownst to me, a tow truck pulled up along side of me. The driver probably watched me for a solid minute until I looked over. The truck driver shook his head and accelerated away. Was I embarrassed? Yup. Did I stop my performance? Hell no! It’s impossible to stop singing along to that catchy chorus.

Come to me, cover me, hold me
Together we’ll break these chains of love
Don’t give up, don’t give up now
Together with me and my baby
Break the chains of love

I did have a question after this experience though:

Why could I sing along to Erasure but not something more, let’s just say manly, like say Guns N’ Roses?

I realized that for some reason, as the levels of ‘80s new wave increase, my inhibitions decrease. Henceforth, we shall call this new metric… “The Coefficient of Synthpop.” Now, to get a little perspective on this new number, I will give you a few song examples with their “The Coefficient of Synthpop.”

Pet Shop Boys, “It’s a Sin” Two dudes. A lot of keyboards. C.o.S. = 8.9

Flock of Seagulls, “I Ran (So Far Away)” Five dudes. Totally key-tastic. C.o.S. = 8.3

Mumford and Sons, “The Cave” Four dudes. Lots of strings. One accordion. C.o.S. = 2.5

Japandroids, “The House That Heaven Built” Two dudes. No keyboards. C.o.S. = 0.0

The song I was caught singing today, “Chains of Love”, has a C.o.S. of 9.8. As you can see, we were approaching maximum levels of pop perfection in my car today. No wonder I couldn’t hold back.

Gene and Paul know the true origins of Rock n’ Roll

After my Erasure sing along I was in dire need of some adrenaline filled rock. As I flipped channels to Hair Nation,  I wondered, “Where does the Rock n’ Roll come from?”  Then I thought, “Who invented Rock n’ Roll and just handed it over to the world?” Lastly I questioned, “Who puts the Rock n’ Roll in the soul of everyone?” All of these questions were soon answered when the song “God Gave Rock n’ Roll to You” started playing over the stereo. Not “God Gave Rock n’ Roll to You I” by British band Argent but the no makeup era K.I.S.S. cover version, “God Gave Rock n’ Roll to You II.”  You know, the version that appeared on the soundtrack to Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Didn’t everyone have that CD?

God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you
Gave rock and roll to everyone (oh yeah)
God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you
Put it in the soul of everyone

All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Plenty of tunes.  Plenty of Erasure. If you see me cruising down the interstate sometime give me a wave. Depending on the C.o.S. of the song I’m listening to, I may stop singing and wave back.

Feb 13 2013

Road Trip Revelations

My job sometimes requires me to spend a lot of my day in the car. I don’t mind too much. It gives me time to think, reflect on my life and most importantly listen to great music. On these trips I sit back, relax and turn up the tunes. After many hours alone in the car though, I tend to have quite a few random and moronic thoughts. These are just a few of the revelations I came away with on the road.

No Sir, I Will Not Honor Your Thumbs Out Gesture

The-HitcherI drove past a freezing cold hitchhiker today. He seemed harmless enough. Clean-ish clothes, presentable face and a not too worn backpack. I thought, “Man what a shitty day to be stuck out in the cold. The guy probably had car trouble and just needs a ride to the nearest town.” A co-worker of mine tells me stories all the time about picking up hitchhikers. He thinks it’s fun and good for a story or a laugh. So I think, “It would probably be fine to pick him up.” Then I remember that I have an irrational fear of hitchhikers, road weathered tramps and Rutger Hauer. That’s right. The Evil Rutger Hauer. This all stems from when I was 11 and watched the movie, The Hitcher, starring a post-pubescent C. Thomas Howell and, of course, The Evil Rutger Hauer. That dude is just plain scary. Check out this scene if you dare.

He’s like a more determined version of The Terminator, an unstoppable killing machine. There’s a scene where he draws and quarters C. Thomas’ stglove interest with semi-trucks. Terribly disturbing for a young lad like myself. The Evil Rutger Hauer was in another movie called, Surviving the Game, where he was equally as sinister. In this one, he plays a rich dude that holds an annual hunting excursion where they hunt homeless people…you know hitchhikers and such. One might think that after The Evil Rutger Hauer created my fear of hitchhikers in The Hitcher, I would root for him as a hitcher-killer in Surviving the Game. No way. I’ll not get fooled by your crafty evil beguiling ways. Plus, I’m not looking to get stabbed to death by some psycho mobile hobo whose only fear of death is that he won’t be the cause of mine.

My Satellite Radio Kicks Can Kick Your Satellite Radio’s Ass

fooI have written many times on these road trip posts that I love my satellite radio. Great content, no commercials and minimal DJ babble. My radio is portable so I hook it up to the car stereo using an FM modulator. I pick a nice unused radio frequency and I’m like a mobile broadcasting force. Sometimes I drive by other commuters that are doing the same thing. They come up from behind me and I hear a little static then maybe a hint of another song or talk radio station. Occasionally, these cars completely wipe out my station altogether. More times than not, when I hear that static noise, my radio overpowers the HowardJonesother cars radio and wins the battle for the airwaves. I love looking over to the car next to me and seeing the confused and irritated driver. The irritation continues until they get outside my 100 sq ft broadcasting range. This morning I heard that familiar static sound as an SUV pulled up beside me. I had my radio tuned to Sirius Alt-Nation and was enjoying the Foo Fighters song “No Way Back.” That song started to fade out as the car came up beside me. The ‘80s gem “No One is to Blame” by Howard Jones fought its way from the SUV radio into my car radio. The lights in my car dimmed and the engine revved harder as the stereo pulled extra power from the battery and fought back. Soon Howard Jones could be heard no more and the other driver reached for the tuner on his radio. This is the standard sign of defeat. Better luck next time Howard Jones Guy.

Sammy Hagar Knows How Many Ways There Are

And of course, by the end of my day I was feeling tired and in need of a serious hair metal fix. I thought, “What if I rock incorrectly? I know I need to rock, but is there more than one way? If there are multiple ways to rock, how do I know which is best suited for this particular occasion? I could look quite the fool.” I quickly flipped stations over to Hair Nation in search of answers. Luckily, Sammy Hagar’s “There’s Only One Way to Rock” was playing and curbed my anxieties. His message is so simple…

Crank up the drums, crank out the bass
Crank up my Les Paul in your face

There’s only one way
There’s only one way to rock!!!

Just rock baby! You can’t screw it up!

All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Plenty of tunes.  Plenty of dangerous hitchhikers. If you see me cruising down the interstate sometime, don’t bother sticking your thumb out for a ride. I’ll just scream and drive right past you.

 

Sep 27 2012

Road Trip Revelations

My job sometimes requires me to spend a lot of my day in the car. I don’t mind too much. It gives me time to think, reflect on my life and most importantly listen to great music. On these trips I sit back, relax and turn up the tunes. After many hours alone in the car though, I tend to have quite a few random and moronic thoughts. These are just a few of the revelations I came away with on the road.

Be leery of the “Lost ‘80s Hit”

I was listening to the ‘80s channel today and there was a segment called “Lost ‘80s Hits”. They usually play some song that was really good but has been collecting dust on the record shelf. I love when they do this. In the past, I have been reintroduced to great old tunes like, “Romancing the Stone” by Eddie Grant and “Mother’s Talk” by Tears for Fears. So I was all prepared for another great “Lost ‘80s Hit” when over the radio comes a song called “Superwoman” by Karyn White.

I was completely confused. I’d never heard it. Not only that but the song was awful. She starts the song off by singing about coffee and cream and what she made for breakfast like she’s narrating her day. How was this a “Lost Hit”? How was this even a hit? What constitutes a hit? Shouldn’t people have had to hear the song to label it a hit? When I got home, I asked my wife if she knew the song. Not only did she know it but she sang along when I played the YouTube clip. But one person having heard a song does not make a hit. Admittedly, I listened to a different kind of music back then but I still heard a ton of pop songs on the radio. How did this one slip by? I decided to do a little digging to prove or disprove the hit status of this horrible song. Here are the Billboard Chart rankings for “Superwoman” by Karyn White.

Billboard Adult Contemporary – It reached #12

Billboard Hot 100 – It reached #8

Billboard Hot Black Singles R/B Songs – It reached #1

So technically it was a hit. Apparently there were a lot of “Superwoman” lovers. What were you all thinking? No offense Miss White.

What’s with the 6AM phone conversations?

I leave for work fairly early in the morning. When I do, I just want to sip my coffee and listen to Howard Stern on the radio. Lately, I have noticed that a lot of the people driving around me at that early hour are on the phone. I may get a random call at 6AM from a co-worker but they are very brief and full of sleepy monosyllabic words. This is generally how those calls go:

Co-worker: Are you on your way?

Me: Yes.

Co-worker: What time are you going to be here?

Me: Eight.

Co-worker: Okay. Hurry up.

Me: Suck it…(click)

The people I see driving are not having these basic early morning conversations. No, they are having very animated and seemingly important conversations. Heads are bobbing. Fingers are waving. Hands are gesturing. Who are you all talking to? Besides annoying co-worker guy, everyone that I know is in bed and they wouldn’t be too happy to have me call them at 6AM to chat. “Hey Chris. You weren’t asleep were you? Did you see last night’s episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?” I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how that conversation would end.

It’s like these people have the “If I’m Up, You’re Up” mentality. It’s a very selfish attitude to take. Kind of like a toddler. “I’m up. I’m the most important person in the world. I want to talk to you. Wake up and listen to what I have to say. I don’t care if you’re sleeping. I I I Me Me Me .”

I don’t want to keep disparaging women drivers in these posts but I must admit that at least 90% of the morning talkers are women. Maybe these ladies were running late and hadn’t finished arguing with their significant others yet.

“I’m not done fighting with you yet so I’m going to call you when I get to high speeds on the freeway!”

I used to work with a woman who would walk into the office every morning at 7:30 with her cell to her ear already cussing out her husband who she couldn’t have left more than 10 minutes previously. What could he have possibly done in that span of time to piss her off? I always wondered why he even picked up the phone. Don’t answer that phone dude. Have some self respect!

This all has to stop. It’s not natural. We should all be miserable sleepy zombies, plying ourselves with caffeinated beverages in order to make it to our miserable destinations and barely tolerate another miserable work day.

Twisted Sister can read my mind

As always, after a few hours on the road today I flipped the station over to Hair Nation in need of a metal fix.It was as if Dee Snider read my mind because Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” was playing. Yes, Dee. I wanna rock too. I turned the stereo up as loud as it could go and fist pumped along with Dee and the boys. It may have looked something like this scene from one of my favorite movie comedies, the aptly named, Road Trip.

Here’s the awesome original music video. 

All in all it was a pretty good trip.  Plenty of tunes.  Plenty of morning talkers. If you see me cruising down the interstate sometime, go ahead and wave. I might just fist pump you back.